Leadership Lessons from Confucius: meaningful relationships

The followers of Zixia asked Zizhang about social relations. Zizhang said: “What did Zixia tell you?” They replied: “Zixia said: ‘Associate with the right sort of people; avoid the wrong sort of people.” Zizhang said: “I heard something different: ‘An exemplary person respects the wise and is tolerant of the ordinary; they praise the good and show compassion to the incapable.’ If I am superior, whom should I not be tolerant of? If I am inferior, then others will avoid me; why would I need to avoid them?”
子夏之門人，問「交」於子張。子張曰：「子夏云何？」對曰：「子夏曰：『可者與之，其不可者拒之。』」子張曰：「異乎吾所聞：『君子尊賢而容眾，嘉善而矜不能。』我之大賢與，於人何所不容。我之不賢與，人將拒我，如之何拒人也！」

You have limited time to make and sustain meaningful relationships. Pay careful attention to who you create them with.

If you only choose to associate with people who share the same educational, professional, and social background as you, you risk living in a cocoon and isolating yourself from others with different experiences and perspectives. If you go to the other extreme, you risk wasting a lot of time engaging in superficial encounters and failing to build mutually supportive relationships with others that you can nurture over the long term.

As with so many aspects of life, a balanced approach is required!

Notes

This article features a translation of Chapter 3 of Book 19 of the Analects of Confucius. You can read my full translation of Book 19 here.

(1) The two followers Zizhang and Zixia had such different personalities and approaches that when Zigong asks Confucius which one is better in 11.16, the sage replies that the former “overshoots the mark” and the latter “falls short of the mark.” The difference between the two men is starkly contrasted in 19.3. Zixia argues that you should only associate with the “right sort of people” who can teach you how to conduct yourself in a proper and ethical manner. Zizhang, on the other hand, advocates that you should be much broader-minded in who you associate with so that you can not only learn from others but also help people in need. Some commentors contend that the approaches of both followers can be deemed as equally valid depending on the context, while others suggest that both Zizhang and Zixia “miss the mark” because they fail to find the richer, more nuanced middle way that Confucius would have advocated.

I shot this image in a hillside temple on the Four Beasts near to Taipei.